That old, familiar feeling

4.18.10.

Conflict.

It's here again - that familiar, yet uncomfortable feeling that I get whenever all of the strings attaching my heart to multiple places begin to stretch and pull wildly, stealing all of my attention away from those around me and forcing my mind to only think of where I need to be in life.

My heart easily attaches to situations where the potential is high, but accessibility is low (if ever existing) and I can easily fit the position of accessibility. My heart attaches whenever I am with students that could move mountains with their artistic abilities, but just need some pushing and belief from someone who is willing to invest in their lives.

My heart is torn when, on the first day in India, I am told by the pastor of the Lady Willingdon church that I am "the one;" that they have been praying for God to send a musician/keyboard player for two years and now I am here.

I don't know that he has any idea of the conflict and torment that adds to my heart's tugging and pulling. Surely not.

Why am I only here for eight days? This is another question that I have been battling with all week. I suppose the purpose of this trip was designed to be for encouragement of the team that is already here for six months and that is an awesome purpose, to be sure. For some, the purpose of this trip is for exposure to cultures other than their own. For some, it is for a new burden for the lives of those hurting or struggling around the world.

For others, it looks like a foggy, blobbing mass of gray, with no real peace or answer - just another string added to the tugs of the heart to go and serve where needed.

Here I am, on the final day of this trip, and I am face to face with a foggy, blobbing mass of gray. No peace, no resolve. Just a desperate attempt at holding to the hope that answers will come in time. That these strings will, one by one, quiet their flailing until only one remains in the fight for where I will go next.

I don't mind vagabonding at all. As a matter of fact, I am an advocate and practice it frequently.

I also know now that I don't want to vagabond for the sake of vagabonding. I want to go where I can be used. More specifically, I want to go where I can be used to inspire and encourage others in their untapped abilities.

I won't get into the most specific details of my daydreaming within a move-to-another-country-and-teach-music context. Those are dangerous thoughts for me right now, especially with such a delicate heart situation.