I met up with a friend today to chat. He asked, as many other friends have asked, how my music making was coming along. I sighed that usual sigh that typically precedes my launch into an explanation of the many thoughts, doubts, fears, insecurities, highs and lows of my most recent musical endeavor.
photo: Kate Gazaway
I have studied music from the time I was five years of age, wrote my first song when I was ten, entered competitions, prepared for recitals, earned my degree and have taught music for several years now.
But I waited until I was nearly twenty-five to take on an actual recording project.
I could spend a long time discussing the forever hours of arranging strings, communicating ideas about instruments I know nothing of, the near impossibility of coordinating schedules. I could, but I will not. The deepest lesson I have and am continuing to learn about is the lesson of overcoming insecurities. The reason it has taken me this long to actually work publicly on my own songs has everything to do with fear. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of taking years of internal ache for the outpouring of creativity to finally begin its' molding, its' shape. The fear of birth.
Entering into what we feel, with every ounce of being, that we were created for is beautiful. Beautiful and terrifying. Out of the endless questions that invade my thoughts, this one continues to pull the most weight: What if it isn't perfect?
I can see the eye rolls now. Trust me, I know. Of course it's not "perfect." At least, in the sense that I'm seeking. But this is my fear: the lack of perfection.
The truth is, this endeavor has been mostly for the sake of experience. I pulled some songs written over the course of a few years and began to build around them. As lengthy and tiring as it could be at times, the process was the real beauty. The purity in creating. The "imperfections" becoming the whispers of something coming alive.
And so. Friends. Within the next couple of months, I will be working through this endeavor. It's coming in close and I am becoming less and less afraid of showing you the process that has very much so become the past year of my life.
photo: Kate Gazaway